This world of ours can be a terrible and hateful place. But there’s something we can do to combat that toxicity: We can use the most powerful asset that humanity has to offer — the one thing we have that the animals don’t, the thing that inspires, the thing that makes us more than the sum of our parts. You know what we’re talking about. What? No, not love. Mockery. We’re talking about mockery. Here, like this …
#5. Town Tricks Neo-Nazis Into A Walkathon To Benefit An Anti-Hate Charity
The tiny town of Wunsiedel in Germany had a problem. See, Wunsiedel was the final resting place of Rudolf Hess — one of Hitler’s deputies. And, Nazi graves being hard to come by (most top Nazis were cremated and their ashes scattered), that meant that every year a pilgrimage of neo-Nazis from all over Europe converged on the town to march to the grave of their “martyr.” Even after the town destroyed Hess’ grave and his ashes were spread at sea in 2011, still the marchers came. Obviously, the town needed a new plan.
It’s unclear who exactly suggested sponsoring the neo-Nazis in an “involuntary walkathon,” but whoever it was, we want to kiss that person full on the mouth.
The approaching hatemongers were completely unaware that the townspeople had sponsored them in a charity walk to benefit EXIT Deutschland, an organization dedicated to helping young people who’ve become entangled in neo-Nazi organizations get the help they need to get out. For every meter marched, 10 euros would go to the charity.
And though the skinheads might not have known it prior to their arrival, the townspeople made damn sure they knew it once they got there. With the most powerful anti-fascism weapon we know: festive banners!
It’s a proven fact: White supremacists respond to different colors.
As they progressed to the former gravesite, the marchers became visibly more and more confused. …
Their shaved heads provide perfect views of their furrowed brows.
At the halfway mark, the marchers crossed a line in the road thanking them for raising 5,000 euros. …
… And finally, once they reached the finish line, they were greeted with snacks at the ingeniously labeled Mein Mampf! (“my munch”) table.
Note the bananas: Nature’s most hilarious snack food.
And finally, for any neo-Nazis too thick-skulled to have gotten the point yet (so, we’re guessing all of them), the biggest banner of all thanked them for raising 10,000 euros for a charity that exists specifically to clean up their bullshit:
“Now exit, deutschbags.”
#4. Man Poses As Target Customer Service To Troll Bigots
Target made an announcement that it would phase out gender-specific labeling of items such as bedding and toys. No big deal, right? So what if little girls want to play Jedi Master instead of Sandwich Master? Too bad it kicked off an online shitstorm. Obviously, Target was implementing some illuminati plan to transform all of America’s children into gays! Or Jedi! We’re not really sure what the concern was.
Conservatives and religious groups clutched their pearls and swarmed the company’s Facebook page to cry for an outright boycott of the store. Luckily, one brave Target customer service rep was on hand to … give precisely zero fucks.
Wow, is Target way, way cooler than we thought? Does … does Target want to hang out this weekend?
Sadly the answers are “no” and “no.” Facebook user Mike Melgaard had been watching the carnage and jumped to Target’s defense: “Immediately, I knew there would be your typical outraged American spouting emotional reactions on their Facebook page,” he said. “After taking a look, I was literally laughing out loud at my computer. A few more minutes in and it struck me how hilarious it would be to portray myself as a parody customer service rep.”
So that’s what he did: He created a fake Facebook profile called Ask ForHelp (complete with a Target logo profile picture) and proceeded to spin 16 straight hours of solid gold before his fake account got yoinked.
Now obviously, Target couldn’t “officially” condone Melgaard’s actions … but then again, they did let him get away with it for 16 straight hours. Then, the following day, they posted this little gem lauding the return of “trolls”:
“Because he’s the commenter Facebook deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So, he’ll reply, because he can take it …”
The response must have encouraged Melgaard, who has apparently made it his personal mission to stir the bigot pot whenever a company finds themselves in a similar predicament. When Doritos announced their new Rainbows chips to benefit an LGBT nonprofit, for instance, he was quick to jump into the fray as Doritos ForHelp:
“… Because he’s not on our payroll. He’s a loud guardian. A watchful protector. A dark troll.”
#3. Stetson Kennedy Fights The KKK Alongside Superman
Back in the 1940s, Stetson Kennedy (yes, that name is awesomely real) was unable to serve in World War II due to a bad back.
And yes, he looked precisely as you’re imagining.
Still wanting to serve his country, he set his sights on what he referred to as “homegrown racial terrorists” instead, and proceeded to do his damnedest to single-handedly take down the Ku Klux Klan. Kennedy infiltrated the KKK and collected every dirty little secret he could, and then he compiled all that information and took it to the highest authority in the land. No, not the police. Not the FBI. Not the CIA. He took it to Superman, silly.
“The only thing I hate more than the Klan are Illinois Nazis.”
World War II having just drawn to a close, the Man of Steel needed a new villain to fight. So Kennedy went and blabbed all of the Klan’s well-guarded secrets to the Adventures Of Superman radio program like a drunken grandma on a party line. The resulting 16 episodes, broadcast in 1946, were titled “Clan Of The Fiery Cross” (“One Race! One Religion! One Color!”). The setup: Jimmy Olsen adds a kickass pitcher (who just so happens to be Chinese) to his baseball team, and a clansman’s nephew gets beaned in an obvious attempt to murder a red-blooded American. Someone (and we all know who) will pay!
Enter a group of cross-burning, white-robed, grown-ass men with silly, secret handshakes who are perfectly willing to tar and feather a helpless child. Characters described these clansmen as “lame brains,” “diseased minds” and “lunatics in nightshirts,” while Superman himself never missed an opportunity to call them “cowards” and “un-American.” The show even implied (straight from the mouth of the Imperial Wizard, no less) that the organization’s highest-ranking members didn’t even believe their own drivel: The whole thing was simply a ploy to milk an army of dimwits for membership fees and robe orders.
It costs a lot of money to look this stupid.
America listened, and once all of the Klan’s secret handshakes, white sheets, and silly titles were revealed to be — surprise! — really fucking stupid, attendance began to falter, as did applications for new membership. In fact, their portrayal on the show has been described as “one of the strongest blows delivered to the Klan.”
Well, duh. Doesn’t take a genius to tell you that Superman hits pretty hard.
#2. “Robert Erickson” Gives A Speech Before The Tea Party On His “Anti-Immigration” Views
At 15 years old, Minnesotan Nick Espinosa watched as immigration agents took his father — an Ecuadorian engineer who had been working in the U.S. on a green card — and detained him before exporting him back to his birth country. So it’s understandable that Nick might have a bit of a bone to pick with the tea party, whose stance on immigration is basically “fire them all out of a cannon pointed toward ‘foreign land.'”
Somehow Espinosa managed to get himself onto the Minnesota Tea Party’s mailing list under the assumed name Robert Erickson, “the whitest name [he] could think of.” They even invited him to speak at a tea party demonstration on the steps of the Minnesota State Capitol, an offer of which he took priceless advantage.
“Erickson” started his speech by hitting every key point his tea party audience wanted to hear, from stolen livelihoods to shipping immigrants back to their homelands to building giant walls to keep them there — all greeted by thunderous applause. Then he got to the diseases they brought in, like smallpox, and the atrocities they’d committed, like slavery and genocide …
“… and inventing these goofy-ass things.”
Slowly it became clear to even the most tea-brained of partiers that they were the immigrants he was referring to. By the time Espinosa wrapped up with repeated shouts of “COLUMBUS GO HOME!” the protesters across from the tea party rally were the only ones applauding.
#1. Talk Show Host Reveals To A White Supremacist That He’s A Little Bit Black
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Craig Cobb. He’s living, breathing proof that not all Canadians are nice folks:
No one brandishes twin .50 BMG bandoliers, with a matching chainsaw, as a sign of friendship.
Craig Cobb had a dream. A few years back the expat bought a house in tiny Leith, North Dakota (population 19 people, two dogs, and one asshole-on-the-Cobb), hoping to transform it into a white separatist enclave called Cobbsville. He started hoarding plots of land, recruiting “more responsible, radical, hard-core white nationalists” to move to town, and drawing up guidelines regarding the number of racist banners that responsible residents should display on their property at any given time.
That number was “never enough.”
Now, ladies and gentlemen, meet Trisha Goddard. She’s a British talk show host who, after her popular appearances on The Maury Povich Show, got her own show in America called Trisha. When she invited Cobb to appear during a series entitled “Race In America,” he agreed, possibly due to her irresistible British accent.
What do you want? Our wallets? Sure thing. Just call us “poofters” again — it’s so charming!
Trisha offered Cobb an opportunity to puke his intolerance all over a nationwide audience, with just one condition: He would first have to submit himself to a DNA test. Of course, such a trifling request wasn’t really a condition at all for Cobb, who’s obviously descended directly from Odin himself. But wait, what’s this?
Cobb showed up and, on air, Trisha ripped open the DNA results to reveal that Cobb was 86 percent European and 14 percent sub-Saharan African. Then she twisted the screw by laughing, “You have a little black in you!” and attempting a fist bump accentuated with a hearty “bro!”
Obviously the racist left her han- whoa, shit. We’re not finishing that sentence.
Shortly after Cobb’s appearance on the show, Tom Metzger, founder of the White Aryan Resistance, returned the property that had been deeded to him there. Apparently, Cobbsville was a good 14 percent less idyllic than it seemed.
Read more: www.cracked.com