Bro. BRO! Travis Kalanick Is Totally Sorry.

It’s been a tough few weeks for Travis Kalanick, the testosteronerous 40 -year-old Uber CEO whose swagger-braggart styles have been felled by a series of entirely uncool events, includingthe anti-Trump #DeleteUber campaign , as well as accounts of sexual harassment and groping at the company. And then there’s that whole lawsuit thing , not be reminded that just-unearthed video of Kalanick arguing with one of his own drivers. All that increased scrutiny will likely force Kalanicka guy who’s clearly sat through route too many viewings of Glengarry Glen Ross( the movie , not the play) to induce the difficult transition from bro to pro. It’s not going so well, as proven by this recently leaked rough draft of a staff-wide apology letter 😛 TAGEND To: Travis K( Kalafornication @uber. com)
From: Crissy Wendt( Crissy @uber-pr. com) T, See suggested revisions below. CW To My Beloved Uber-shtoopers Staffers, In recent weeks, our company’s grind internal momentum has been majorly cock-blocked considerably slowed down, thanks to public assaults from these like, you know, Moby-looking reporter dorks company critics. As I’ve said many times over the last few years, at various company functions and meetings:” No fatties .”” Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm .” But looking back now, it’s clear that I’ve spent too much hour shoving Domino’s Cheesy Bread into Lyft-car tailpipes aggressively promoting our brand, and not enough time only straight-up chilling in a cabana and watching that Jessica Alba movie Honey a shitload of periods focusing on big-picture issues. When I first started this company, my goal was to meet Vince Vaughn at an open-bar sneaker-launchparty in Montauk earn the confidence of both my customers and my employees. But I’ve lost sight of that mission, as evidenced by three recent decisions, all of which I now deeply regret: Employing the phrase” mad bonkable” at Deanna’s going-away thing. Deprioritizing Q1 staff- satisfaction levels. Putting dope-ass smoke machines and suns in the nurse room. Recalibrating our workspace-allotment restrictions. Inducing Toby leave the marketing retreat to go buy me some Kiehl’s hair-shit I wanted, then inducing him pay for that shit, haha, Toby sucks. Slowing our expense-reimbursement turnaround-time. putting 53 -year-old Queens cabbies out of work Uber-hating leftieswho will secretly reinstall our app the minute they get stranded on La Brea after 11 p.m. mom-and-pop-castrating capitalism ” Party naked” $

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