A Typical Day In The Life Of An Internet Troll

9: 00 am

9: 15 am

Breakfast consists of grabbing multiple handfuls of Capn Crunch Berries while you do your first scroll through Reddit. Memes are your true sustenance. Black coffee is ingested during those mornings when you can feel your eyeballs shriveling up from staring at various screens for all hours. You refrain from properly hydrating because it stimulates you think rationally.

10: 00 am

You start your ritual of morning stretches as you go through your listing of targeted websites. The ones with writers who have original thoughts and sentiments, the ones that cant figure out how to moderate Disqus, and YouTube videos. You crack all of your joints because its definitely going to be a long day and you cant get a cramp in the middle of sending a novelist loathe mail( anonymously ). The likelihood of you leaving your basement and watching daylight or feeling fresh air is nonexistent.

10: 30 am

You finely line up your supply of Monster Ultra Blue and revel in the audio of cracking open your first can of the day. You inhale the familiar smell of gasoline and poison, and take a huge swigwith the theatricality of a cowboy swigging whiskey in an old western movie. You kinda are like a cowboy, arent ya? You smile warmly to yourself.

10: 55 am

As your computer starts up, you close your eyes and do the Internet Troll Meditation. You breathe in deeply, and while you breath, you quietly chant to yourself: My sentiments on other people personal experiences matter the most My sentiments on other people personal experiences matter the most Ohmmmm

11: 00 am

You begin with the personal essays. They are your favorite to target. You have about 3-5 specific writers who you feel like you would hate if you met them in real life merely because their names sound riling or their author photo is too small for you to confidently say theyre not that hot, so you peruse their recent articlesessays on family and love and lossand mindlessly comment absolute garbage. Because free speech. Everyone needs to listen to you. sounds like it would be your favorite book if you actually read it. Your opinions matter the most.

3: 22 pm

Upon wreaking havoc on those essays, you transition into news articles. ,, articles on Facebook that you assume must be real because they are on the internet and satire is fucking confusing and dumb because it doesn’t explicitly it’s satire. Like , no disclaimer or anything. Everyone who reads anything needs to also read your thoughts and impressions on the subject. That’s what free speech is all about, you think to yourself as you tell the writer to” shut the fuck up .”

5: 10 pm

A personal essay novelist just replied to your remark. Excellent. You shotgun a Blue Hurricane Four Loko for special occasions such as this. You scream while looking into a mirror for five minutes before responding.

7: 02 pm

Its officially that time of day to start making things unnecessarily personal. What power you hold. You are a fucking modern-day cowboy. Thus, with your stomach lining burning an acid pit in your stomach and your tongue an unnatural shade of neon blue from the energy drinks, you shoot off half a dozen or so emails from your fake gmail account to whoever wrote the most opinionated headline you scrolled by today. You call them a hack, you tell them their writing sucks, you say that theyre lazy and banal because they lured you in with a relatable listing which built you feel some sort of human connection with them. Damn it, you couldve read if you bothered, how dare this novelist trick you with numbers.

9: 00 pm

You snap a No. 2 pencil in half to remind yourself that you are strong and authoritative.

10: 05 pm

Youve successfully turned the comments section on an article about a womans its own experience with her ex-boyfriend into a full-fledged war zone about how sexist the writer is.

11: 47 pm

You eat a frozen burrito( that you didn’t actually heat up all the way, so occasionally when you bite into it, it is very much still frozen) as you admire your work unfold into a minefield of foulmouthed and unnecessary trolling that totally takes away from the articles you initially commented on. You watch the number of commenters rack up from tens to thousands. You shoot approximately four thumb firearms at your monitor. Mission achieved.

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