Look, full disclosure: I’m no good at politics. I try to get into it and obtain all the important facts about each candidate, but after the constant back and forth, the “he said, she said” attitude, and all those political attack ads, I just end up feeling burned out. I think the most prepared I’ve ever actually been for an election was in 2004, when Jib Jab’s “This Land” flash cartoon drew me in with its animated chicanery and encouraged me to learn more about those candidates. So, since the early 2000’s Internet cartoons are seemingly the only way to get important political info to the masses, I’ve decided try my hand at a few flash tutorials and cranked out some games based on our current crop of presidential candidates and their biggest flaws — you know, in 2015, when literally nobody plays flash games anymore. Still, this should showcase an easy (albeit outdated) way to get yourself ready for the voting booths next November.
#4. Hillary Clinton – Hillary’s Shoot ‘Em Up
How about that Hillary Clinton, huh? Back in April, she officially announced her candidacy for president, and she’s been going nonstop ever since. Rather than grant interviews to favor the media, she’s been going state to state to meet with the everyman and woman to hopefully reap some of those delicious votes. But, following her through her campaign trail is that rotten email scandal you’ve heard so much about.
Thrillary_C_420@hotmail.com was an unfortunate choice of e-mail address, in retrospect.
Hillz is basically getting slammed for using her private email account rather than her official State.gov address to conduct State Department business. It’s a legitimate gripe, too, as her private email servers containing government secrets could have easily been accessed by hackers that don’t have to compete with government-level security. Hillary has already turned her servers over to the FBI, but has withheld somewhere around 30,000 personal emails from the investigation. This whole scandal gave me an idea for a simple way to remember why everyone was mad at Hillary. That’s why I created Hillary’s Shoot ‘Em Up, in which our hero, Hillary, tries to destroy her personal emails before the FBI can get their hands on them.
Think like Astrosmash for the Intellivision, but, since I’m making the game here, I made some changes. Like, remember when the asteroids hit you, and you would die? That stupid feature is gone! Now, there’s nothing to stop you from getting the highest score you can before you get burned out and quit. Challenge your friends today!
#3. Jeb Bush – Choose Your Own Jeb-Venture!
I don’t think I’m telling any tales out of school when I say that the Bush family loves running for president. Following in his dad and his brother’s footsteps, Jeb Bush announced his bid to never let us go too long without a Bush in the White House, and liberal types the world over let out a collective groan. Only a month prior to that, however, Jeb made a remark that has shadowed his whole campaign. During an interview with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, Jeb responded to a question about the United States’ involvement in the Iraq War, stating he still would have authorized the invasion, even knowing what we know now. That’s a problem, considering almost the entire justification for that act was based on faulty information. So, essentially, what he’s saying is that he would’ve invaded Iraq for kicks.
These berries sure didn’t fall too far from the bush, huh?
Old Jeb has been doing some damage control ever since, but how can we be sure he truly gets why everyone is hounding him about it? Well, I came up with a way to convey that message in the form of a “choose your own adventure” game, starring this presidential hopeful. In Choose Your Own Jeb-Venture, you take on the role of Jeb Bush as he is presented with intelligence that will determine whether or not he should go to war. Will he choose correctly? Only one way to find out!
He didn’t choose correctly, I bet.
#2. Bernie Sanders – Bernie: The Game
It’s only been a few months since Bernie Sanders threw his hat into the presidential ring, but he’s already finding himself a sturdy contender for the Democrats. The wide-eyed, wild-haired marvel from Vermont has been conveying his own ideas on wages, the environment, and the economy to anyone who will listen. But, as it always is with politicians, Bernie has his share of skeletons in his closet. His skeletons clawed their way out of the dirt in the form of a creative essay published in the Vermont Freeman called “Man — And Woman.” Mother Jones reported on the 1972 essay in their account of Sanders, and many weren’t too thrilled with what Mother Jones found.
Everyone can read this, right?
Among other things, the paper mentions masturbating to rape fantasies. The Sanders campaign was quick to distance themselves from the piece, calling it “a dumb attempt at dark satire.” But, something like that can leave a murky spot on a presidential campaign, despite best efforts to clean it up. If only he could go back in time and get rid of that paper before it even saw the light of day. That’s where I got the idea for Bernie – The Game, a not-so-thrilling maze game where you collect as many of the copies of “Man — And Woman” as you can! It’s as fast-paced and fun as politics get, with an ending that will leave you as satisfied as I’m sure the real scandal’s ending would!
Did you know it’s tough to program enemies? That’s why I didn’t do it. Plus, what enemies would Bernie even have to contend with? Maybe a hairbrush or something, but nothing that really would kill him. Also, how would this game even end? He collects all the essays, but there’s still copies all over the place. Is he doomed to repeat his essay collection forever? In this digital world I created, yes. Yes, he is.
#1. Donald Trump – Road To The White House
I know I said that I’m not crazy into politics, but I feel like I’m knowledgeable enough to understand that Donald Trump, a real-life candidate for president of the United States, is not a very cool dude. Cracked has covered his antics time and time again, to the point where it’s become difficult to find a new way to call him awful. Of all the jaw-droppingly absurd items on his “because I said so” platform, the one Trump has faced the most scrutiny for is his stance on immigration. Under his rule, Trump would deport some 11 million immigrants and build an impenetrable wall to keep them out. That is some next level, supervillain kind of shit!
His superpowers are “arrogance” and “lack of neck.”
Now, his whole campaign gives me enough ammunition to make at least two-dozen Donald Trump-themed games, each more horrible than the last, but that fortress wall is too easy a target to ignore. So, I developed Road To The White House, a game where Trump can be his own hero, leaping along his border fences and saving American jobs. Can Trump jump across enough walls to get himself all the way to the White House? That’s up to you!
I’m thinking the sequel could be Trumpy Bird where he flies around with his hair flapping, or maybe a reverse Frogger where you’re the car and Donald is the frog? I’m not sure, but I do know I’m already much more informed about this November than I have ever been with any past election. You are now, too. You’re welcome.